There was nothing majorly wrong with this story, but there also wasn't much that was special about it either. Here's a couple of random thoughts:
- The characters were cute enough (Preston is especially adorkable), but entirely forgettable.
- The sexy times were sweet, but I could have done with a dash of spice to keep things interesting.
- The dialogue (both spoken and internal) was awkwardly formal - no man I know in his twenties chooses his words quite so precisely as both
of these characters seemed to. Example A: "It is I who is thankful for you, Justin."
Like, seriously?! I want to dredge up my grammar text from first year English and smack the author over the head with it.
- I can't help it - it always kinda weirds me out when a male MC calls another male MC "beautiful" as an endearment (and after the start of their first date Preston does this a lot
). Use "babe" or "handsome" or pretty much anything
else and leave the gag-inducing use of "beautiful" for the hets.
- The romance was FULL ON as soon as their first date started. I'm usually a sap for a happily ever after and can tolerate an insta-love story, but this was a bit much.
- And that ending?! Improbable doesn't even begin to describe it.
That's it. I'm out! *drops mic and walks off stage*